I climbed off the ATV and slid off my helmet, leaving it on the seat.
Caden didn’t move as I approached. He seemed lost in watching the swirls of deep blues and greens in the water.
“I wondered if you’d show up.” His voice was deeper, too—a little gravellier than it had been the year before.
I climbed over the log he was perched on and sat, leaving just an inch or two between us. “Didn’t want you to be alone.”
“Maybe I wanted to be alone.”
“Then you wouldn’t have come here.”
And there was such relief in that. That Caden wasn’t locking me out.
The corner of his mouth kicked up. “I guess you’re right. Maybe I just wanted to see if someone cared enough to find me.”
I frowned. “A lot of people care. Nash. My parents—”
“But not my family.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. “They didn’t say anything?”
Caden tipped his head back so he could stare at the sky. “My mom would’ve if she hadn’t taken a ridiculous number of pills and passed out. But my dad and Gabe are pretending like today is business as usual.”
I moved on instinct, slipping my hand into Caden’s and threading my fingers through his. “She was the best. One of the kindest people I’ve ever known. And so funny.”
Caden’s breath hitched, and he stared down at our joined hands. “She took care of everyone. Hell, the only time she raised her voice was if someone was about to kill a bug in the house. She’d insist on catching it and taking it outside.”
My heart squeezed. “That’s Clara in a nutshell.”
“I miss her so damn much.” Caden’s voice was raw, ravaged.
Of course, he missed her. It was his little sister. He loved her fiercely. Would’ve done anything for her. But he couldn’t stop cancer. It didn’t matter how many treatments they tried, she just got sicker and sicker until she left this Earth—two years ago today.
I squeezed his hand harder. “That just shows how much you loved her. She’s a part of you, and there’s no way you can’t feel her absence.”
Caden shifted his gaze to my face. “She branded me, and it sometimes feels like the wound is as fresh as the day it happened.”
My heart rate picked up speed at the intensity in his eyes. “I don’t think grief is linear. Some days are easier. Others will take you out at the knees.”
He looked back at the water. “Not everyone gets that. Some people just want me to be better. Who I was before.”
“But you’re never going to be that person again. This changed you.”
Caden’s gaze jerked back to me. “How do you get that when no one else seems to?”
I shrugged, not wanting to reveal the truth: that I watched Caden with a single-minded fascination. So, I’d seen the change. It had come on slowly and yet all at once. A darkness that hadn’t been there before. But it was a part of him, and I couldn’t help but love it the same way I loved the rest of him. It just made those glimmers of his light shine that much brighter.
Caden’s gaze tracked over my face, stilling on my lips. A second later, he forced his attention away and dropped my hand. “Want to hike with me?”
I tried not to let the disappointment land. For as often as Caden and I spent time together, he’d never made a move to take it further than that. I was used to living in disappointment. I pushed to my feet. “Sure.”
I slid my phone out of my pocket and shot off a text to my mom, letting her know what we were doing.
Caden glanced at me. “You got your pack?”
I winced. “I left it back at SAR training.”
He lifted his and swung it over his shoulder. “I should have us covered.”
“Can I steal some water?”
Caden handed me his bottle, and I took a long swig. “Geez. It’s lucky I brought two.”
I gave him a sheepish smile. “I was pushing the pedal to the metal over here.”
His brows pulled together. “You need to be careful; those ATVs can be dangerous.”
I rolled my eyes and handed him the water bottle. “I’ve already got four older brothers. I don’t need a fifth.”
Caden chuckled. “Noted. You want to take the north trail?”
I nodded. The views from that one were absolutely stunning. You could see the town nestled next to the lake and everything else for miles around.
Caden started off, heading up the mountainside. The path was wide enough in this first part that we could walk side by side. We were mostly quiet at first, letting the late-summer breeze swirl around us.
I never felt pressure to talk around Caden. I could simply be. There was comfort in just having him beside me. But if I ever did want to give voice to anything, I could do it without fear of judgment. Caden was one of those people who saw all sides of something and knew that things were rarely black and white.
“She loved those,” Caden said quietly, inclining his head to the purple flowers mixed in with the other plants.
“They’re beautiful. What are they called again?”
“Lupine.”
For as privileged a life as Caden had led, he loved nature and consumed knowledge about it like a man starved. The only person who knew more than him was Roan. And that was probably because he spent more time with the mountains than he did with people.
I lifted my phone to take a picture, then jotted it down in my notes app.
“What was that for?” Caden asked.
I shrugged. “I want to remember it. Every time I see it now, it’ll remind me of Clara.”
Caden’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “It keeps her alive in a way. Every time we remember.”
I wanted to take his hand again, to give any sort of comfort I could, but I held back. “We won’t let her be forgotten. I promise.”
Caden nodded, clearing his throat. “How was SAR going?”
I got the message. He needed to think about something else and not let himself drown in the grief of today. “Mostly good... Lots of the team was there. My brothers were annoying. The usual.”
He chuckled. “What were they getting on you about today?”
I blew out a breath, fluttering wisps of my hair. “Rance Granger.”
Caden’s footsteps faltered the slightest bit. “What about him?”
“They think I have a crush on him.”
“Do you?” Strain wove around Caden’s voice.
“It wouldn’t matter if I did. They scare off anyone I want to go on a date with.”
Caden grunted. “Good. If your brothers can scare a guy away, he’s not worth your time anyway.”
“I’m never going to lose my virginity,” I mumbled.
Caden immediately started choking. “Shit, Gigi. Warn a guy before you say something like that.”
Annoyance flitted through me. “I’m almost sixteen, you know. Most girls my age have had boyfriends. I’m not a kid.” He was only a year older than me, and I knew he’d messed around with plenty of girls.
Caden halted on the path, looking down at me. “Trust me, Gigi. I know you’re not a kid. But you shouldn’t rush into that. It should be with someone you care about who cherishes that you’re sharing that part of yourself with him.”