The room descends into grumbling as everyone looks at each other, but it doesn’t seem like anyone is going to rat on the culprit, and looking at all the faces gathered, a part of me begins to wonder if maybe it wasn’t a prank.
Is it possible she stumbled into the wrong room and truly is here for another event?
I shudder to think what that event might be considering what all rolled out on the stage. But a part of me can’t help but speculate. I’m not as lewd as the club guys, but even I’ll admit that it’s not every day a beautiful woman tosses toys at your feet.
As I think about the dick that was pointed right at her pink, pouty lips, I feel heat start to grow under my collar, and I hurriedly push those thoughts away lest I embarrass myself in front of everyone.
I clear my throat. “Let’s refocus and move on, guys.” Too-wide grins and mischievous eyes meet my instruction, and I know I have to get them back with me. “Look, I know it’s hard . . . but come on . . .” I tease, intentionally emphasizing the words to make them chuckle a bit. When it succeeds, I shake my head and smile too. “I’ve totally forgotten. Where were we before all that?”
I gesture toward the stage, intentionally avoiding reminding Lucas and Enzo that they were near blows before Dickapalooza happened.
Stephen, a quiet guy who’s only been a member for a short time, offers, “The basics.”
The two words are enough to get me back on track, and I speak for another thirty minutes about how setting intentions, following through, and being your best self are the steps to success, however you define it.
Somehow, by the end of my speech, I feel like I’ve reached the majority of the guys. Either I’ve inspired the ones who are already members or hooked the ones who are considering joining.
But as our group activities start and everyone begins to mingle with a drink in hand and freedom to chitchat, most of them are laughing and joking about the ‘Sex Toy Barbie’, as I hear them calling her.
Evan walks up to give me a slap on the shoulder, saying, “Great speech, man, but that was some crazy shit.”
“Yeah,” I answer dully.
“Can’t win ‘em all,” he offers. “But I bet our next orientation is full after word gets out about this. You’ll have to really bring it, and I don’t mean the dildos.”
That’s Evan, always thinking about the bottom line.
CHAPTER 4
SAMANTHA
I’m a bundle of nerves and embarrassment, breathless and flushed, when Jaxx and I enter Bedroom Heaven's party. Apparently, the distracted receptionist was one door off, and Jaxx tried to catch me in the hallway but I didn’t hear her calling me. I guess I’m just glad she rescued me from my rather prick-ly predicament.
This room has a totally different vibe from the serious whatever it was I crashed. It’s open and spacious, with ambient lighting glowing in pink, purple, and white hues, creating a fun and flirty atmosphere. Tables with a variety of toys are spread throughout the room, and women of all ages are mingling and shopping with plastic cup cocktails in their hands.
Everything is selfie-ready, including a central display with a massively oversized, veined dildo suction-cupped to the table where people are crowded around, cheesing into their phone’s camera. I’m not sure I want a picture of me with a three-foot dick, but whatever floats their boats.
“Holy crap, this is like a mini adult convention!” I whisper, and Jaxx laughs. “What?”
“What do you know about adult conventions?”
“Everything. From Instagram, of course.” At her dubious look, I quickly tack on, “And for research.”
“I bet.” Pausing, she tilts her head and points across the room. “I think that’s our table. Let’s set up and drop some dongs!” It takes a few trips to both our cars to unload all of our gear, but once we do, Jaxx instructs me to ‘spread ’em’ with a wicked grin of her black-painted lips.
Jaxx’s good humor helps because after that fuckup of a catastrophe next door, my nervous gut has somehow just gotten worse. The table beside us is filled with women wearing feathery boas around their necks and oversized clown sunglasses on their heads like tiaras, both of which are decorated with dangling penis ornaments that clink together with every movement like a dick symphony.
Their team is also wearing matching pink shirts that proclaim ‘Cucumbers belong in salad, ask me for something better’ amid a display of various Bedroom Heaven vibes and dildos. They’re hooting and hollering, loudly talking about wetting the bed from one particular toy, the Suckasaurus Max.
“I needed a Gatorade, a cigarette, and a wipe down before round two, but you can bet I went back for more,” what seems to be the lead saleswoman overshares as she nods enthusiastically. "But if you get the Max, also get the waterproof towel. You’ll want it to protect your mattress and so you don’t have to strip the whole bed every time. Less laundry means more Max time.”
I’m glad they’re having fun, making sales, and getting pleasure from the various toys, but their vibe isn’t exactly what I’m hoping for. Thankfully, there are plenty of customers who like a more low-key approach to discussing their preferences, and I make several sales amid actual sexual health conversations in which I don’t use the phrase ‘ram a lotta ding-dong’ a single time. Unlike my sales neighbors.
Hours pass, and I lose count of how many toys we sell. All I know is that it’s a bunch. Including one quite literal bunch—a connected chain of balls that you insert vaginally and, as your inner muscles flex, they roll around inside, creating a pleasurable sensation. Jaxx sold that one to a forty-something-year-old woman who said they’re going to be part of her Tantric sex practice.
Honestly, it’s pretty amazing the variety of women, toys, and sex lives all contained in this one room.
At the front of the room, someone taps on a microphone, calling out, “Ladies! Can I get your attention, please!”
I look up, where I see a woman who looks like a porn star turned news anchor. Her platinum blonde hair is voluminous, extension-long, and perfectly curled, her makeup is dramatic, with several shades of glittery eyeshadow and fake lashes, and her professional dress is virtually painted over clearly enhanced breasts and a round peach of an ass that makes me want to hit the gym for some weighted squats. She’s beaming, which should seem friendly and welcoming but rather seems like she’s barely biting back her desire to tell us all to ‘shut the hell up and listen’ to her.
“Who’s that?” I ask Jaxx.
“Shh, that’s April. She’s the regional representative,” she whispers. “Basically, our big boss.”
“Welcome to yet another successful quarterly Bedroom Heaven regional conference!” April squeals, hyping the crowd up.
Cheers fill the room, and I clap along politely with everyone. As it fades, April continues.
“This quarter was yet another record-breaking one for us, with sales growing exponentially, and more and more joining the Bedroom Heaven family.”
She keeps going, giving some hype numbers that make Bedroom Heaven seem like the Amazon of sex toys, mixed in with a little rah-rah stuff to keep everyone dreaming big. She’s good at it, and I wonder if she was a pageant girl, a cheerleader, or both in her younger days. But though my initial impression was that April is a bit ‘look at me’, the more she talks, the more genuine she seems. She’s hyped because she actually wants BH to do well and wants to share everyone’s successes, so they get praise too.