She talks and argues a lot — like, a lot — and it ruins the silence in my head.
I should leave, but something stops me.
The tears in her eyes.
She constantly sprinkles her face in glitter as if believing she’s the dolls she plays with. Now that she’s crying, the glitter soaks in tears and fall in two rivulets down her cheeks.
Silver doesn’t cry. At least, I’ve never seen her cry. I’ve wondered how she does that, and even though I don’t like her, I’ve wanted to ask her and see if it’s because she also thinks it’s useless.
Now that I’m seeing her crying for the first time, I can’t leave. I can’t even move.
All I can do is watch the way moisture pools in her huge eyes. Their light blue colour darkens before those tears stream down her cheeks.
Her face is a mess, full with snot, glitter, and her endless tears. Her cheeks are red and her lips are rosier than usual.
Chaos.
It’s come to me again.
I don’t think about it as my legs lead me in her direction. She doesn’t sense me, or rather, she can’t. Aiden always says I move silently. It’s because I learnt to tiptoe out of my father’s reach.
But I never tell him or Xander that.
We’re not supposed to say such things. We’re proper people with proper manners and proper secrets.
Once I’m behind Silver, I pull on her ponytail. She gasps, then cries out.
That’s what I usually do to kick her out of Aiden’s house when she talks too much. She screams at us that boys suck and I should go to a bad place.
No idea why I did it just now. I don’t really want her to disappear, but I also can’t ignore the habit whenever she’s in sight.
Silver lifts her head up, and when her eyes meet mine, they widen until they nearly swallow her face.
For a second, I stare at her, unable to do anything else.
I love that look.
I want to keep that look.
But how?
“What are you doing here, Cole?” She lets the doll — which also has butterflies on its head — drop to her lap and hides her face in her tiny hands. “Go away.”
I let go of her hair, annoyed she hid that look, and sit beside her. The big skirt of her dress could fit another person between us.
“Why are you crying?” My voice is quiet since I don’t know how I should speak to her.
“What do you care?” She sniffles. “You hate me.”
So she knows about that. “What makes you think that?”
I need her to tell me why she’s crying, because if I know the reason, I can use it and maybe I’ll be able to bring back the look from earlier.
Chaos.
“I just know you do.” She manages to get out through her sniffles. “And I hate you, too.”
“If you hate me, why are you hiding from me?”
“I’m not hiding! I don’t want you to see me crying. No one sees me cry.”
I fully face her, a smile on my lips. “So I’m the first?”
“Shut up and go away!”
“No.”
“No?”
“This park is for everyone.”
“Fine. I’ll go.” She removes her hands from her face. It’s still full of tears and messed up glitter, but the look from earlier is gone. She’s not surprised or taken off guard.
Why isn’t she?
“If you stay, I’ll tell you a secret,” I say as she gathers her doll.
“What secret?” She doesn’t attempt to move, her eyes widening again, but it’s out of curiosity this time, not surprise like earlier.
The dusk’s sun casts a golden hue on her hair and turns the blue of her eyes lighter and brighter.
“Are you sure you want to know? This secret will keep us together for life.”
“F-for life?”
“Yes, Butterfly. For life.”
She scowls. “Why are you calling me that?”
“What?”
“Butterfly.”
“You have one on your hair.” I motion at her dress’s waist. “And on your clothes. Do you want to fly like one?”
“I do.” Her expression brightens.
“Why?”
“Because, you know, they’re so beautiful and everyone smiles when they see them. They bring happiness and light.”
“They’re cockroaches with wings.”
“Shut up. Don’t say that about them.”
“There are some butterflies who die in a day.”
A crease forms in her forehead as she folds her arms. “You’re a meanie.”
“And you’re unrealistic.”
“I’m leaving.”
“I thought you wanted to know the secret? Or are you a coward?”
“I’m not a coward.”
“So you want to know?”
She nods discreetly. Silver might talk a lot, but she doesn’t like to ask for things. She also doesn’t like to put herself out there.
I noticed it in games. Whenever we play, she asks to go last so she can observe the others. Of course, she doesn’t, because I steal the last position from her every time. Aiden and I usually win against all of them.
Xander and Kim don’t care; they only like the act of playing games, but Silver always stomps out angrily, then returns the next day demanding a rematch.
“I’ll tell you if you tell me yours,” I say.
Her brow furrows. “Mine?”
“Why are you crying?”
She crosses her arms again while still holding her doll. “I’m not telling you.”
“I’m not telling you either, Butterfly.”
She glares at me, jutting her lip forward. It’s adorable.
It’s weird to think of someone as adorable on a day like this…I suppose. But since I met Chaos, I’ve realised normal was never for me in the first place.
Finally, Silver sighs. She stares down at her dress’s skirt and plays with the butterfly at the waist. “I overheard Mum and Dad fighting and saying they’re getting a divorce.”
Disappointment grips me like when those passersby found me. Why is it so boring? “That’s it?”
“What do you mean, that’s it?” Fresh tears pool in her eyes. “They always fight and scream and say mean things to each other. Now they’re going to get a divorce. I’ll be like Sally from class. My life will be divided between two parents and two homes. We won’t live together, have holidays together, or travel together and…and…I don’t want that!”
“Okay.”
Her head snaps in my direction. “Okay? I tell you everything and all you have to say is okay?”
“Yeah, good luck.” I start to stand, but she clutches me by the sleeve of my T-shirt, keeping me in place.
“You don’t get to leave, Cole.” She pulls me down with a force I didn’t know she had in her. I lose my balance and fall on my back on the bench.
The sting creeps all the way up my spine.
Silver straddles my waist, her big skirt covering us both as she places her palms on my shoulders.
If I wanted to push her away, I could, but I don’t want to. This close, I notice the tiny freckles lining her nose that I haven’t seen before. Tears glisten in her eyes, and the view from the bottom allows me to look at the clear contours of her shadowed face.