BAM, BAM, BAM!
"This is my sister's welcome party, you asshole."
It was Yuri speaking to them now from the other side of the door, but Andreus' reply to her brother was completely lost...with Hallie waking up from her dream.
No, no, no.
She squeezed her eyes shut, but just like before, the past was no longer within reach, and it was impossible to fall back into an imaginary world in which she was still alive, and he...was still hers.
Help me, please.
She was so, so tired of crying.
She really believed she would have run out of tears by now, but her supply of them seemed endless.
Please, God.
Her body curled up in a fetal position, and even though a part of her was just waiting and wishing for the darkness to swallow her whole—-
Blood continued to course through her veins, and there was just no escaping life, even if it had ceased to make sense, from the moment she found out...he had married another girl.
Help me, God. Please.
It had only been a week, but the pain of his leaving was so devastating that she couldn't even bear to think of his name, and every moment that passed without him by his side was like a noose tightening around her neck.
It just kept tightening no matter how hard she struggled to free herself, just tightening and tightening to the point that there were times Hallie found herself literally gasping for breath...like now.
I need You, God.
Because it was times like this when despair threatened to make her forget, and she didn't want that at all.
I need You, please.
Despair tempted her to take the easy way out and just hate him.
Because what he had done was unforgivable.
He had left her.
Even married someone else.
And he had done so without a single word of explanation.
Please God, please.
It was so, so easy to just stop thinking and hate him.
So, so terribly, terrifyingly easy.
And that was why she was begging God to help her remember.
Please, God.
Never make me forget what I know is the truth.
And that was that when he had told her without the words that he loved her, and she had seen in his eyes that he had meant them.
And because she loved him just as much, it was why she also knew...
Even if the whole world were to think her stupid—-
Please God, please.
Don't make me forget what I know.
Even if it didn't make sense at all—-
Hallie knew in her heart that even the way he had hurt her so unforgivably was all because he...loved...her.
So, please God, please.
She wrapped her arms around herself and struggled not to make any noise as sobs shook her body.
She prayed and prayed not to hate him.
She prayed and prayed never to forget what she knew.
But time didn't always heal, and time was never on one's side, at the moment one needed it the most.
Because what most people tended to forget was that time was not God.
And that was why, as despair continued to eat her up, she began to forget, and time, ever so cruel, fickle, and twisted, made Hallie hate herself instead.
Chapter Two
Hallie gave herself a mental slap when she realized she had been staring blankly at her closet for several minutes, and she was actually vacillating about which outfit to wear like her appearance in today's meeting actually mattered.
Everything's different now, you idiot.
Her mind knew that very well, but her heart still managed to be in denial. It had fought for self-emancipation since that happened, its arteries dismembered completely from anything that was remotely connected to logic and morality.
Chikushou.
This was the very first time Hallie would be seeing him after...that, and the realization actually had her heart coming alive like she was about to go out on a date.
How could her heart be so, so stupidly stubborn, with the way it insisted on staying blind? He was the reason her heart had shattered into pieces over and over again. So why was it so adamantly against recognizing its own murderer?
Hallie yanked the ugliest outfit she could find in her closet, but not even a few seconds had passed when she ended up shoving it back to grab the complete opposite. A collared dress with sleeves up to her elbows and a fitted skirt that was well past her knees. Dressing up like a doll was still her guilty pleasure, and today of all days, she needed to do at least one thing that would make her feel right...when everything else in this world felt wrong.
Yuri and Kalli were already waiting for her when she came down, and Hallie hastily summoned up a smile when she saw the troubled expression on her sister-in-law's face.
"I'm alright, Kalli. Really." The other girl was now in the last trimester of her pregnancy, and it was imperative not to stress Kalli out in any way.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Yuri's voice was quiet like it always was. Almost angelic even, which was the reason why so many people would never realize that his ethereal good looks were nothing but a mask for his ruthlessness.
Hallie wished she could answer her brother with a lie, but she already knew from experience that lies, especially to one's self, only made things worse. "I don't want to do this—-"
"Then don't," Yuri said tautly.
"But I have to. It's been three months since..." Hallie swallowed several times, but it still wasn't enough, and her throat itched with the urge to cry as she forced the words out. "It's been three months since...that happened, and as much as I want to p-pretend..."
God.
Oh God.
Her voice broke, and even though she had prayed and prayed for this, it was as if God didn't think it was right for her to pretend she was strong, and that she wasn't broken.
"I don't know," Hallie choked out. "I don't know what life is without Andreus."
Yuri's chest clenched as his sister broke down in front of him, her head lowering as if the pain was too much for her to bear, and she was unable to make a single sound even as her tears started to fall endlessly.
He took a step towards her even when the words to comfort her were out of reach, and they remained out of reach even as he pulled her into his arms, and she started sobbing against his chest.
"And I don't know...I don't know why this had to happen." Her confused gaze lifted up to him, just like how she had always done when they were young, and she would go to him when she had a question. "I just wish I knew why..."
In those days, she had believed that her big brother had all the answers in the world, and as much as he wished it was the same now—-
"I don't think we're always meant to know the answers," he said hoarsely. "But one thing I know is that things will get better—-"
"But what will getting better mean? Because I—-" Shame filled her, but Hallie didn't want to hide the truth any longer. "I still love him, Yuri," she revealed brokenly. "I know it's wrong, and I hate myself for it. I hate myself so, so much—-" Her gaze lifted up to him, her blue eyes lost in a sea of emptiness, confusion, and pain. "But I can't seem to help it," Hallie choked out in shame. "I just can't seem to stop loving him even when I k-know it's b-bad—-"
"No." And Yuri fucking believed this, regardless of what the world would think or say. "Fuck no."