“For one thing, I want to stop you from making a fool of yourself,” he said, going over to his sink. He picked up the glass and turned on the hot water.
“I don’t get you,” I said. “You tell me to go and lose my virginity, and I actually listen, and that’s still not good enough for you. Why do you hate me so much?”
Maybe I was still slightly tipsy because there was no way I would ever ask a question like that to him if I was in my right headspace. At the end of the day, I shouldn’t care what Kazu-sensei thought of me as a person. The only thing that mattered was whether or not I was able to meet his standards, to learn everything he was willing to teach. But since he constantly ignored me, I assumed no, he didn’t like me, didn’t think I was capable, even if I followed his instructions exactly.
“Hate you?” He bought himself some time by downing the glass of water before setting it back down in the sink. “Why would you think I hate you?”
“You don’t think I can do anything,” I pointed out, “even when I follow your instructions. Like tonight. I was going to choose to lose my virginity, and you ruined it.”
“Ruined it?” Kazu’s voice was flat, and he shifted his gaze over to me in the darkness. “Ruined it? You were ruining it yourself. Offering yourself to a stranger is not the same as selecting someone yourself. There’s no power there. At least do what you can to retain your power because I can guarantee you, the second you set off for the Light Bringers, you’ll have none.”
“How am I supposed to choose the person I intend to have…” I cleared my throat, ignoring the way my face pinched. “The person I intend to follow through with.”
“Gods above, you can’t even say the word sex, can you?” Kazu asked, eyes widening slightly. “And yet, you’ve agreed to a mission that’s going to require you to give up your body in the most brutal of ways.” He took a step towards me, then another. “Why, Embyrlyn? Why would you do that to yourself?”
I looked away. I didn’t like the feeling of his eyes on me, looking at me, studying me. It was like a spider crawled all over my face, and I had to physically restrain myself from clawing at my skin in order to get that feeling off of my body.
“If it gets Dade back —“
Kazu scoffed. “Right,” he said. “I forget you’re in love with him.”
My eyes widened. Kazu-sensei never particularly cared one way or the other about the private lives of his students. He never asked any of us about it and we never divulged. In fact, besides Felix, we didn’t ask Kazu-sensei about his private life either, but I’ve look around this room, and I knew there was a good chance he didn’t have a private life to speak of. And, even if he did, there was no way he was going to talk to us about it.
“What’s your problem?” I demanded to know, taking a step towards him. “You've always had a problem with me. You ignore me, even when I do exactly what you ask. And even when you might be right, even when I agree with you, I’m wrong. It’s been bothering me ever since you were assigned my captain, and I want you to tell me why.”
“Arrogant of you to think I cared one way or the other,” Kazu said, raising a sardonic brow.
I ignored that slap of my heart. Even his words left a blow.
“Clearly, you did, or else you wouldn’t have stopped me,” I forced myself to point out, even if the words were tight.
Kazu pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s not just you that you represent,” he said. “I’m your captain. How do you think it makes me look when you’re offering yourself up to anyone in some shitty tavern. Don’t you value yourself even just a little?”
Another blow. This time, I winced, jerking my head back like he had actually slapped me.
“Fine,” I said. “Since you know everything, you tell me who I should lose my virginity to.”
Kazu’s eyes widened, and for the first time tonight, unease rippled across his chiseled face. “Me?” he asked.
“Sure,” I said, throwing my arms up. “Tell me. Save us all the trouble and just tell me.”
“I’m not going to do that.”
“Oh, but you can tell me who I can’t give myself to?” I asked. “Because I had someone lined up and you ruined that.”
“You should thank me,” he said. “That child wouldn’t know what to do with you.”
“Great!” I exclaimed. “Awesome, because that would have put us on equal ground since I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”
“You don’t want to be on equal ground when it comes to that,” he insisted. “You want someone who will make you feel safe, who knows what they’re doing and can help you and teach you. You want your first time to be filled with pleasure, so you don’t look back and recall stumbling around in the dark without any satisfaction.”
“Are you speaking from personal experience?” I asked with a smirk.
“Are you actually interested in my sex life?” he shot back.
If I was still drunk, I might have been embarrassed. As it was, I managed to fire back.
“Do you even have a sex life?” I gestured at his barren apartment to emphasize my point.
He narrowed his eyes.
“That still doesn’t explain why you stopped me,” I said when I realized we were at a stalemate. “Even if you’re right, it’s not your problem. I’m not your problem —“
“I’m your captain,” he said, his tone casual. “Whatever you do reflects on me.”
“That’s bullshit,” I said. Before he could respond, I shook my head. “Fine. You think it should be someone more experienced and someone I know, right? What about that other captain, the one who came to the tavern door. What’s his name? Rocky?”
“What?” This time, Kazu’s tone was sharp as much as it was sardonic. For whatever reason, I struck a nerve by even suggesting him
“You heard me,” I said. “I don’t really know the guy, but it’s obvious he has a reputation. At the very least, he has confidence in himself and, I’m assuming, his skills. Maybe you could introduce us, I could tell him what’s going on —“
“No.”
The word was simple but firm. There was no room for argument in that tone.
Now it was my turn to narrow my eyes. I dropped my arms to my sides, holding them there though it was difficult to do so. I wanted to gesticulate wildly but I knew it might make me look more like a child than a rational adult.
“What? Why not?”
“Rocky is the worst possible choice for you.” Kazu turned around and headed back into the kitchen. He grabbed a sad, sopping sponge and poured some blue liquid dish soap on it before turning on the faucet and letting the soap sink in.
“And what makes you say that?” I demanded to know, marching into the kitchen. “Because based on your curriculum, he checks all the boxes. He’s experienced. He’s older. He’s not some random guy at a tavern.”
“He’s a captain,” Kazu said.
“But not my captain,” I said. “He isn’t you.”
Kazu clenched his teeth together so hard, his jaw popped.