“What?” She recoiled as if he had struck her. “Why would you say that?”
“This isn’t fair to you, and I know it.” His voice was a pained whisper as he looked into her eyes. “I had no right to fall in love with you, let alone allow you to fall in love with me. Both of our hearts will be broken when the inevitable happens.”
“You cannot allow me anything, Dillon. I’m a grown woman.” She rubbed her forehead. “What do you mean when the inevitable happens?”
“Us. The end of us.”
She shook her head in confusion, her forehead creasing. Dillon knew he was causing her pain, and he hated it. “Are you breaking up with me? Is that what you’re saying?”
Dillon leaned his head far back and studied the ceiling. He couldn’t vocalize the thoughts that were clogging his mind as every muscle in his body tensed. Never had he wished that he were human, but in that moment, it was the only thing he wanted. He cursed under his breath, then with a swift motion, he rose to his feet and let go of her hand. He walked to the center of the room and shoved his hands in his pockets. “You don’t understand. Canis lupus have true mates.” He forced himself to look her in the eye. She deserved that, and so much more. “Or soul mates, for lack of a better term. They are two halves of one whole. Each has the other half of their mate’s soul.”
Lilly fixed him with a puzzled stare as he spoke, her face slowly twisting with despair as the full weight of his words sunk in.
Dillon swallowed hard as he continued. “The true mate of a Canis lupus must be another Canis lupus. The males of our race have a darkness within them. It comes with having a beast that lives inside of us. The darkness slowly grows, and without our true mate’s light to keep the darkness at bay, it will consume us. Males that do not find their true mates become feral wolves, eventually having to be put down.”
“Have you met your true mate?” It sounded as if she’d forced the words from her mouth.
Dillon gave a sardonic grunt. “No,” he bit out. “I wouldn’t be with you if I had. The pull between mates is undeniable.”
“You love me.” It wasn’t a question, but he responded anyway.
“Yes.”
“But I’m not your true mate.” Her eyes dropped, and her shoulders fell forward.
“No,” he mumbled. “It can take decades or longer for a wolf to find their true mate. When or even if I find my true mate, I will not be able to stay with you. That is simply a fact. It’s the nature of my species. I wouldn’t be able to fight the pull to her, and I wouldn’t want to. And even if I don’t find her, I will eventually go feral. I would be a danger to you and anyone else around me.” He clenched his fists tightly and stared at the ground. “I don’t know how much time I can give you. But I will understand if you want to break this off. In fact, we should.”
Lilly’s head snapped up, and her eyes widened. “I don’t want that. I love you, Dillon. I can’t imagine my life without you.”
Dillon pulled his hands from his pockets and ran them through his wavy hair. Her words were like a knife twisting in his gut. “That’s the problem, wild Lilly. Whether you can imagine it or not, a life without me will eventually be a reality. I wish I could promise a life with you, but I can’t.” He pointed his finger at the door. “If my true mate walked through that door right now, no matter how I feel about you, my soul would choose her. My wolf would choose her.”
Tears tracked slowly down Lilly’s face. Her glassy eyes were filled with both anguish and hope. “And the man?”
Dillon felt as if he was being ripped in half. Tendon, bone, and muscle viciously separated as he told her the truth that he wished he could spare her. “The man would be divided.” He stepped toward her and then kneeled, taking her face in his hands. “I am sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Lilly leaned forward until their foreheads touched, and he felt her warm breath on his face. Her voice shook. “Today, right now, you are mine. And I am yours.”
Since his parents’ death, Dillon had not felt so helpless. The part of him that was Canis lupus longed for his true mate. No matter how he felt about Lilly, the darkness inside of him grew daily, and she could not keep it from spreading. That didn’t mean there wasn’t a place in his heart that had been carved for her.
“I understand what you’re telling me.”
He jerked his head back. “Do you?” he demanded. “Are you truly telling me you comprehend the fact that you could lose me any day?”
“I do. But unless you walk away, I’m not going anywhere.” Her hands gripped his biceps, her nails sinking into his skin as she pinned him with a fierce gaze. “I want any amount of time that you can give me. It’s my choice.”
Staring into her eyes, Dillon contemplated the events of the past year and felt the internal struggle. These were memories he had never intended to make with anyone other than his mate. He’d made a mistake in allowing her into his life when there was another who was destined to hold a claim to his heart. Dillon knew he ought to stand up, leave, and never look back, but his selfishness was preventing him from doing so. The decade he’d spent working with no one in his life had drained his soul, sucking it dry. All the while the darkness had spread like a rapid disease. Lilly gave him hope. She brought light into his life, though it was much different from what his true mate could give him. For Dillon, it was enough. If only he’d acted sooner, maybe then he wouldn’t be in too deep. But now it was too late. “You’re a fool,” his wolf snarled. “She will never be enough.” The truth of those words was a dagger to his heart. Even so, he ignored them.
“Don’t go,” she implored him. “Not until you have no other choice.”
The air felt heavy in his lungs as he ran a thumb across her soft lips. “One day, you will hate me. All that will be left of me are memories that will make your soul ache with bitterness. I could never wish that upon you.”
“I will never hate you,” she whispered, her voice ripe with sincerity. “Will it hurt to lose you? I imagine it will be a pain that will devastate me. But I would rather have those memories of you than nothing at all.”
“Okay, wild Lilly, okay.” He breathed out as desperation took over, and he resigned himself to the moment, allowing his lips to find hers. An electric shock surged through his veins as they touched, and Dillon was suddenly aware of every tiny sensation. Her scent filled his lungs, and his spirit ignited as the heat and passion emanating from her overwhelmed him and melted away the icy chill that had begun to numb him. He knew he’d already been trying to protect his heart from the pain of leaving. His desire for her engulfed him, threatening to consume him completely. He effortlessly swept her off the couch and stalked toward her bedroom.
Dillon laid Lilly on the bed and lowered his body over hers. Their mouths crashed together again, and their tongues began a passionate, timeless dance. His skin felt oversensitive with excitement, and his heart raced. Every follicle on his body stood to attention in anticipation, and his senses were in a heightened state of arousal, ready to explode the moment she touched him. He ignored the voice in the back of his mind that told him he had no right to take or give anything to this female. He and Lilly had made up their minds. For better or for worse, they would be lovers until death, or until his fate came knocking.